"She" Chapter 3

"She" Chapter 3 

I wasn't expecting her to open up—I just wanted to make conversation. But when she told me there was something holding her back from feeling okay, it hit me hard. Figuratively speaking, of course, but in that moment, I was stunned. In the few minutes we had to talk, she said:

“I’ve tried to live my life calmly, but there’s so much pressure at home, it’s hard to deal with. I feel like everyone expects so much from me, as if I’m not allowed to make mistakes. I believe everyone should be able to mess up without feeling guilty. Me? I just try to live life the simplest way I can. I want to feel free—I know I am—but I just want to be understood. I hate when people take advantage of me, when they expect things from me knowing I’d never ask them for anything in return. Sorry to vent like this, but I’ve noticed the way you look at me… and your smile when you come close. It makes me feel like I can trust you. You’re a good friend, and I’m happy to have you around every morning. I hope you always stay that way. It does me so much good just having you here. Now that we’ve broken the ice a little… I never thought you’d come up and talk to me. I figured you’d just watch from afar. But I guess I was wrong. Maybe we could go out sometime?”

I was caught between nerves and excitement. She brought it up—I didn’t even have to ask. All I want is for her to enjoy an afternoon full of laughter and new adventures. I hope to spark some emotions, surprise her a little. Even though this is all just in my head for now, I can still hear her voice and see her lips moving as she tells me how much she’s looking forward to us hanging out. It’s only 7 a.m., but I’m already thinking about that moment we’ll finally be together for that long-awaited afternoon. I love her more than anyone ever has, and I hope she can feel at least a fraction of what I feel for her.

I had to focus on her words. I like her, and I know I won’t give up. I’ll be there whenever she needs me. I’ve started talking to her—so what’s next? I guess it’s about when I’ll be brave enough to tell her I really like her, that I want more than just morning hellos and watching her sit just behind me during class. Who hasn’t fallen for someone in class, right? Maybe this isn’t my first time, but this time it’s different. I’m older now, I understand better what I want, what I can offer, and what I’m willing to risk for her. I might seem shy, even though she might not believe it.

I’ve always come off a bit rebellious and like I don’t care much—but that’s just who I am. I can’t change, not yet anyway. Life’s been rough, and I’ve had to fend for myself more times than I can count. That attitude’s put me in tough spots too. It’s like a defense mechanism built out of everything I went through as a kid. I am who I am because life forced me to be this way. I own my choices, but when it comes to feelings, I’m fragile. You might sense it, even if my so-called toughness hides it. Behind it all is a past I wish I didn’t have. If I’m this way, it’s not by choice. It all started a little less than four years ago, when I got tired of giving everything I had and getting nothing in return. That pain shaped me into someone I don’t even recognize—someone who’s still struggling with suffering that never quite left.

There’s one night I’ll never forget. The one that broke me. The one where I couldn’t even cry—my mind wouldn’t let me. It was easier to freeze than to let even a little of that pain out.

But I don’t want that part of me to ruin what I’m beginning to feel now. This is something new, something amazing. I’m about to graduate and start looking for colleges, and while that’s scary, I just hope I’ll find her tomorrow in that same chair, looking at the door. I hope she lifts her head and looks at me the way she did today. But wait—when did the teacher walk in? How long has class been going? No one even bothered to let me know class had started.

I spent the whole morning thinking about her, about us, about whether there could even be an “us.” For now, I better get to sleep. It’s late, and I don’t want to be late for our usual morning encounter. I’ll see her. She’ll see me. I’ll say hi. She’ll smile. And our daily conversation will begin.